Lost and Gained - A journey to the big 50.

I'm really hesitant writing this - nervous - anxious 

So I'm confident it's the right thing :) 

Sometimes life feels like an island - even though I *know* that LOTS of people suffer through problems -it seems like when your knee deep in one of life's biggest battles - you're alone. Completely. 

So, perhaps I'm putting 'pen to paper' so that if just one person reads this - and they're in a similar spot - they'll know, they're not alone. And, I'm writing this so that *I* remember the journey and the battle. 

Here is the deal  - the elephant in the room - the sentence I couldn't bare to admit - 

I was over weight - I was obese - I was ..well ..FAT. 

Whew, it's hard to say that. (even in the past tense) -- I'm so embarrassed by it and so ashamed (maybe now's a good time for the 'before' photo) 

Yep, this is a horribly unflattering (but truthful) look at what I was - sitting in a black bathing suit. Ack! 80+ pounds over weight. 

I come from an over weight family (on my Dad's side -- you can see from the above photo that my Mom isn't over weight in the least - yep, that wasn't easy.) I'll never forget one day my aunt and I were talking and she mentioned - 

"Nicole, you have your Mothers shape but you inherited our proportions."

In that moment I had resigned myself to being what most of my family is - obese. 

I accepted less for myself because I didn't feel like I deserved better. I had an eating disorder. (a really BAD and dangerous relationship with food) 

I didn't inherit 'proportions' from my family - I inherited low self-esteem, low self-worth, control issues... which for my family, manifested itself into having a bad relationship with food. 

It didn't help that I married someone (an amazing someone) who had the *same* problem. So, what did we love to do most? Eat. 

After years of great self reflection - gaining self confidence and self worth from starting and building a business - having an amazing marriage - the only thing missing was admitting I had a BAD relationship with food and CHANGING it. 

One night I went to bed and told my husband - tomorrow I'm changing my eating lifestyle. He said, me too. I emailed my parents and told them what my plan was - and immediately they both jumped on board. 

We changed what we ate - we *talked* about our relationship with food - we began to tackle our eating disorder. Before I knew it - we had lost 20lbs ... 30lbs .... 40lbs.... and then the big 50! Collectively we've lost over 170lbs. 

For my Dad, he's reached his goal and is thinner than he's been - ever. Jacob (my husband) - is close to his goal and is thinner now than his entire adult life--- and I've lost 50lbs and I'm reaching for another 30lbs. This is really a journey of losing AND gaining... 

What I lost - 

-50 lbs and counting (at a rate of about 2lbs a week) 

-Most of my wardrobe :) 

-Relying on food to be more than food - it's not a 'friend' or the therapy to a bad day - it's just food now. It's feeding the machine of my body and not my mind. 

What I gained - 

- Self confidence - and all that comes with it 

- Mirrors - now I look at myself in a mirror - do you know how long that had been? 

- Pictures - I loved scrapbooking, but it's hard when you don't like pictures taken of yourself! 

- The possibility of having kids - there was NO WAY I could have gotten pregnant at the weight I was But, now, when we're ready ... my body will be too! 

- A new sense of happiness in my marriage - we're happier with ourselves and as a product, we're happier in our marriage. 

- A new wardrobe (in smaller sizes than when I was in high school - over 10 years ago) 

- Being more willing to make new friends and not worry about what people are thinking of my weight or my looks. 

-Shopping for a two piece bathing suit - knowing I'll get there! 

Now would be a good time for a new photo of the progress so far, right? lol 

I think that - it's been a long time coming - but, I finally feel *good* about myself. And surprisingly it has NOTHING to do with how I look - it's that I told myself it was time to change - and I made the change. I'm proud of myself... I'm proud of my husband and my Dad... I know that from here on out we're going to continue to be open minded about food and work daily on changing our relationship with it. 

I will be back on here after the next 30lbs (with a swim suit 'after' picture) --- 

One piece of advice I have - ask yourself WHY you eat. What relationship do you have with food? 

I agree that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes - but HEALTH doesn't. Fat is fat - that's the hard truth. 

If you're looking for inner peace with your weight and body issues - help is out there - but, just like most problems - if you want to concur it you first must admit it. 

Big Hugs to all of you! 

N.